They say "no news is good news" to which I say "True and false."
After my last post, Joe and I were faithful to training. We did a couple long runs in Fresno and Tehachapi, and it definitely made me appreciate the low elevation and mild winter of Fresno. Exercising was good, we were looking forward to the half with nervousness and excitement.
On March 5th, I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. Say what!? All it takes is once, like every health teacher warned. After the initial shock of realizing that we would be responsible for another little life wore off, I was ecstatic. I found out while Joe was at work, so I rushed to buy a cute onesie (it said 'Property of Mom and Dad') and a baby book (Guess How Much I Love You?). I wrapped them and gave the gift to Joe when he got home. He was immediately suspicious because of my weird smile and the fact that I never, ever get him gifts "just because". After his glazed expression cleared, he was all smiles. I must say, even though we were happy, we both felt like it was unreal for a few days.
Gradually we started talking about the baby like he was a real person growing inside me, and I would say things like, "Cookie dough ice cream, please! ....the baby wants it!" For some reason we both felt strongly that it was a boy. Maybe wishful thinking? At this point, only my sister and one of his close friends knew that we were pregnant. I was on the phone with my sister when I took the test and sent her a picture of it, and she was the one to tell me "MOLLY, even though it's faint, that second line means you're pregnant!". I really didn't want to tell our parents the good news over the phone, especially since it was our first baby and his parents' first grandbaby. We made up a lame excuse for going to Fresno, even though we were JUST there the weekend prior. Joe brought home blank onesies and fabric markers and we decorated them to "tell" our families.
His parents were so happy! His dad couldn't contain his excitement. My mom said that she knew I was pregnant the second she opened the door to welcome us in. We went out to lunch with both sets to celebrate. :)
I stopped training because while exercise is good, my doctor preferred that I didn't increase in difficulty and endurance while pregnant. I missed long runs with Joe, but I was proud of him for continuing to work hard.
On March 17th I began to experience some discomfort, which progressed to pain, and that night I miscarried our precious babe. Joe and I were devastated. I think the worst part for me was seeing my husband break down. I didn't realize he was so attached to this little bean-sized alien baby that we couldn't touch or see yet.
At first, when we told people what had happened (who knew we were pregnant) I felt a little foolish for being so sad. We never heard its heartbeat or saw it on an ultrasound. Why were we taking this so hard? It took some very loving people to point out that even though our little one was in the beginning stages of development, it still has a soul.
I was put on bed rest for one week after the miscarriage, which was a blessing for spiritual and physical healing. We were heartbroken, but thankfully able to see God through it all. Our Bible study put their arms around us in sweet ways, including flowers, cards, dinner and visits. My mom and sister and little niece visited and cleaned my house for me and loved on me. I was able to connect with others who had also experienced miscarriage, including one of my dear friends who miscarried the same weekend. Joe was so tender and thoughtful in taking care of me, and I think this was the first tragedy that we have suffered through together. We are closer for it. We take comfort in knowing that our child will be with Jesus forever.
Like I said earlier, we both felt it was a boy. Joe did some research and suggested we name him. Emmanuel is the name we decided on. God is with us.
