Today is November 7th, 2013, which was my due date with our first baby, Emmanuel. I was blessed with the opportunity to talk through my mixed up feelings with a couple of my dear friends today and it helped me feel less guilty about my confusion.

I'm sad and I'm happy. I miss our angel baby very much. It hurts that I never felt him kick or push up on my ribs or roll around. My heart breaks when I think that we could have had our first son in our arms today.

I'm happy because if the Lord hadn't taken Emmanuel, I wouldn't be carrying our precious Joseph Jay right now. When Joe put his face against my belly last night, it wouldn't have been J.J. who spontaneously punched his cheek. I'm happy that I never need to worry about Emmanuel being hurt or lost or sick or sad. He's spending eternity with our Savior, which is what Joe and I want for all the children we may be blessed with.

I know that if my first pregnancy had continued, I wouldn't even be aware of this second miracle, but I love both my boys so much. I'm sad and I'm happy, and I can praise the Lord because I know He is demonstrating His perfect will in our lives.