Today is November 7th, 2013, which was my due date with our first baby, Emmanuel. I was blessed with the opportunity to talk through my mixed up feelings with a couple of my dear friends today and it helped me feel less guilty about my confusion.

I'm sad and I'm happy. I miss our angel baby very much. It hurts that I never felt him kick or push up on my ribs or roll around. My heart breaks when I think that we could have had our first son in our arms today.

I'm happy because if the Lord hadn't taken Emmanuel, I wouldn't be carrying our precious Joseph Jay right now. When Joe put his face against my belly last night, it wouldn't have been J.J. who spontaneously punched his cheek. I'm happy that I never need to worry about Emmanuel being hurt or lost or sick or sad. He's spending eternity with our Savior, which is what Joe and I want for all the children we may be blessed with.

I know that if my first pregnancy had continued, I wouldn't even be aware of this second miracle, but I love both my boys so much. I'm sad and I'm happy, and I can praise the Lord because I know He is demonstrating His perfect will in our lives.

Quite a bit has changed since my last blog post. We still think of our sweet baby and we are still thankful for the role he played in our lives, even for a short time. Joe successfully completed his first half-marathon and I am so proud of him! Hopefully we can do one together someday.

After losing our surprise baby, we realized that we were more ready to have one than we thought. The idea of having a tiny human around stuck with us, and on May 17th I found out I was pregnant again. This initial experience was very different than our first. There were a lot more tears and more prayer. I struggled with trusting the Lord with our second pregnancy. Until I passed the point that I had miscarried Emmanuel, I didn't feel attachment to the baby. I stopped drinking alcohol, cut back on caffeine and ate healthier, but other than that I didn't behave like I had with my first pregnancy. I didn't daydream or plan or really dwell on the baby very much at all. Until I passed the 3-month mark, I felt like I was just waiting for something bad to happen. My husband encouraged me by reminding me that this baby belonged to the Lord and that He loves us and does everything for our good.

We told our friends and family later in the pregnancy and with less fanfare than the first. Of course everyone was thrilled and we welcomed all the prayers that came our way.

I was sick for most of the first trimester and I slept ALL the time. Joe would get home from work and I was passed out on the couch almost every day. It was slightly reassuring to have these symptoms, but mostly I was praying that they wouldn't last the whole pregnancy. The day I started my second trimester the sickness disappeared and I felt great! Slowly but surely I grew in love for the little life inside me. Hearing the heartbeat for the first time, finding out that he is a BOY and feeling his kicks and punches grow stronger and stronger have changed me for good!

As I type this I am 27 weeks and 5 days along. I can't believe how fast and how slow this pregnancy has gone! I feel like I've been pregnant forever and I can't wait to meet him, but I can't believe it's been 7 months already!

Through God's providence, Joe was offered a job in Fresno and he took it. We were stunned by the opportunity to move back home! I was ecstatic thinking about having our baby with family close. I made sure Joe wasn't just doing it for me and that it was a change he wanted. We miss our Tehachapeople like crazy but we are adjusting to life in our hometown.

God's hand in our circumstances and experiences is obvious when looking back on this past year and a half. He's tested us, blessed us and grown us in love for each other and for Him. We are eager to see what He does in this new chapter (parenthood!).

They say "no news is good news" to which I say "True and false."

After my last post, Joe and I were faithful to training. We did a couple long runs in Fresno and Tehachapi, and it definitely made me appreciate the low elevation and mild winter of Fresno. Exercising was good, we were looking forward to the half with nervousness and excitement.

On March 5th, I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. Say what!? All it takes is once, like every health teacher warned. After the initial shock of realizing that we would be responsible for another little life wore off, I was ecstatic. I found out while Joe was at work, so I rushed to buy a cute onesie (it said 'Property of Mom and Dad') and a baby book (Guess How Much I Love You?). I wrapped them and gave the gift to Joe when he got home. He was immediately suspicious because of my weird smile and the fact that I never, ever get him gifts "just because". After his glazed expression cleared, he was all smiles. I must say, even though we were happy, we both felt like it was unreal for a few days. 

Gradually we started talking about the baby like he was a real person growing inside me, and I would say things like, "Cookie dough ice cream, please! ....the baby wants it!" For some reason we both felt strongly that it was a boy. Maybe wishful thinking? At this point, only my sister and one of his close friends knew that we were pregnant. I was on the phone with my sister when I took the test and sent her a picture of it, and she was the one to tell me "MOLLY, even though it's faint, that second line means you're pregnant!". I really didn't want to tell our parents the good news over the phone, especially since it was our first baby and his parents' first grandbaby. We made up a lame excuse for going to Fresno, even though we were JUST there the weekend prior. Joe brought home blank onesies and fabric markers and we decorated them to "tell" our families.

His parents were so happy! His dad couldn't contain his excitement. My mom said that she knew I was pregnant the second she opened the door to welcome us in. We went out to lunch with both sets to celebrate. :)

I stopped training because while exercise is good, my doctor preferred that I didn't increase in difficulty and endurance while pregnant. I missed long runs with Joe, but I was proud of him for continuing to work hard.

On March 17th I began to experience some discomfort, which progressed to pain, and that night I miscarried our precious babe. Joe and I were devastated. I think the worst part for me was seeing my husband break down. I didn't realize he was so attached to this little bean-sized alien baby that we couldn't touch or see yet.

At first, when we told people what had happened (who knew we were pregnant) I felt a little foolish for being so sad. We never heard its heartbeat or saw it on an ultrasound. Why were we taking this so hard? It took some very loving people to point out that even though our little one was in the beginning stages of development, it still has a soul. 

I was put on bed rest for one week after the miscarriage, which was a blessing for spiritual and physical healing. We were heartbroken, but thankfully able to see God through it all. Our Bible study put their arms around us in sweet ways, including flowers, cards, dinner and visits. My mom and sister and little niece visited and cleaned my house for me and loved on me. I was able to connect with others who had also experienced miscarriage, including one of my dear friends who miscarried the same weekend. Joe was so tender and thoughtful in taking care of me, and I think this was the first tragedy that we have suffered through together. We are closer for it. We take comfort in knowing that our child will be with Jesus forever.

Like I said earlier, we both felt it was a boy. Joe did some research and suggested we name him. Emmanuel is the name we decided on. God is with us.

As my wise husband said, it would take a little while for my body to remember that it likes running. Thankfully I was able to run 3 miles this morning, though not without difficulty. My end time was right around 33 minutes, so an 11-minute mile average...not bad. I'm thankful I haven't been experiencing shin splints again, although I have a feeling they will come when we start doing our long runs over the weekends. 

Something AWESOME that I've been anticipating finally happened: I got headphones! They are bright orange, of course. (I have orange and gray running shoes and an orange and white iPhone case. I think I'm obsessed.) I had the ear buds that came with my iPod, but they would NOT stay in my ears no matter how viciously I wedged them in. Thanks to Target, I now have headphones guaranteed to stay in. And they work!

Today I listened to Queen while on the treadmill. I love Queen. It definitely distracted me from the monotony of what I was doing. Running on a treadmill is SO BORING. You may ask why I don't run outside. 

Um, that's why. Sleet, snow and wind? Not for this girl. I'll take boredom over frostbite.

Something that I've been feeling guilty about health-wise is the amount of coffee I drink at work. My addiction is iced coffee with vanilla and cream. I'll have at least two grandes during my six-hour shifts, and sometimes three during my eight-hour shifts. I don't drink nearly as much water as I should. I'd like to limit my coffee intake to one per day, and not be so dependent on the caffeine for my energy. I'd also like to get in the habit of drinking a lot more water.

Well, there are my immediate goals! I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm back! Joe and I have been a pair of sickies the past couple of weeks, so the gym has been missing us. Excuses excuses, blah blah blah. We hit the treadmill Monday night, and boy was it hard. Thanksgiving eating combined with no exercise and a sickly constitution equals a HARD run. I only made it to 2.25 miles before I had to start walking. My sweet husband was very encouraging and assured me that it takes time to get back in the swing of things.

We now have a major incentive to run faithfully: we are both officially registered for the SLO half-marathon in April. This is the same one that my daddy and I punched in the face a few months ago. I still remember how impossible the last three miles felt, so I get pretty nervous when I stop to think about it. I think it will be helpful having Joe to train with. Last year I was able to do a handful of long runs with my dad in Fresno, but all the runs/exercise during the week I was on my own. And guess what? This time around it's a family affair. My dad, sister and brother-in-law will be running, and also both my mother-in-law and father-in-law! Watch out SLO, here come the Bogarts/Ramos'/Rams! We got this. 

I've been planning our meals each week and making a grocery list that way, but it's brought to my attention that Joe and I are sadly lacking in the vegetables department. Neither of us are veggie-lovers, so it's hard to keep them in mind. Any good vegetable recipes out there that disguise compliment the vegetable taste?

It's been almost two weeks since my last blog post. We bought a gym membership for me, I have been faithful so far! I'm using my half-marathon training as a fitness guide:

Weeks 1 and 2

Monday: Cross-train (elliptical, weight-lifting, etc.)
Tuesday: Short run ( 2.5 miles)
Wednesday: Rest
Thursday: Short run (2.5 miles)
Friday: Cross-train
Saturday: Long run (4 miles)
Sunday: Rest

So far I've been pretty good at obeying the schedule. I missed a cross-train day here and there, but I've been a stickler about running. Joe's been semi-faithful. He needs a little encouragement after work, but once he's done working out he feels good.

We both made goals. I'm not telling specifics, but I need to lose about fifteen pounds and Joe wants to gain about fifteen pounds. I got on the scale after two weeks of the above schedule and was horrified to see that I had GAINED 2 pounds. Why body, why?? Joe assures me it's muscle that I'm building up, and that muscle weighs more than fat, but still. It was sooo discouraging.

I have to admit, I am starting to see results. I've lost a little in the *ahem* chestal region and I can see a tiny difference in my belly. Or maybe I can just suck it in better because my muscles are getting stronger. Either way, I'll take it!

I finally have time to update, and something to update about! It took about five weeks, but my cough is finally gone! I still have some congestion, but that could just be allergies. I'm not worried about it.

You may be wondering, "Well Molly, if you're healed, why haven't you been exercising??" I'm glad you asked.

Joe with his Sorcerer Mickey hat and me with my Minnie ears.

Disneyworld!!!! My wonderful in-laws took us to Florida, along with his siblings and his extended family. One big noisy group of Mexicans traipsing around Orlando. It was glorious. The first two days were hot and humid (can you say FRIZZY), the third was just blazing hot, and the following two were beautiful.

The sad part: I got six mosquito bites.

The happy part: seeing the fireworks show in Disneyworld eating Dole whip ice cream surrounded by family.

We also went to Universal Studios which was AWESOME. I'm a roller-coaster wimp, but I mentally peer-pressured myself into biting the bullet. So much fun! The Wizarding World of Harry Potter was probably my favorite part of Universal. So cool and bittersweet.

Back to exercising: We walked a TON while we were there. However, I forgot to bring a bathing suit so I went shopping at the SuperTarget there. A humbling experience, my friends. THEN, when we got back to good ole California, I weighed myself on my parents scale. SAY WHAT!? Oh my stars. Time to get to the gym.

Tonight Joe and I visited our local gym for the first time. I jogged 2.5 miles on the treadmill, and including warm-up and cool-down I was on there for about 45 minutes. Joe lifted weights and occasionally joined me on the treadmills. He's realizing how out of shape he is (even though he's thin) so I'm hoping our combined drive will help us keep each other accountable.