Joseph Jay Ram, born February 1st, 2014 at 4:24am. 6 pounds and 7 ounces of beautiful, WHITE baby. 

I think the first thing I said was "He's perfect!" and then the second thing was "He's so white!". Much of J's first few hours of life are cloudy in my mind, partly due to exhaustion and partly due to medication. He is now 4 months old, and I'm finally feeling peace with his birth story.

Our doctor (whom we love and trust) did not want me to go more than a week past my due date. On Thursday, January 30th we were admitted to the hospital to be induced. I was incredibly nervous, but also excited. I had every intention of an all-natural, unmedicated labor and delivery. My mom did it twice, my sister has now done it three times, I felt sure I would join their ranks promptly.

After a sleepless Thursday night, I was given the "okay" to walk out my labor. Joe and I paced and did countless squats in the horseshoe-shaped hall of the L&D/PP units all day Friday and all night. At about 1am Saturday morning I'd only dilated to a 6. No food or sleep combined with the pain of contractions was starting to wear on me, and I broke down. I asked my mom to come into the room and "assess" me. I knew that she would be honest with me and say "I believe you can make it to the end" or "You should get an epidural". She watched my limbs trembling as I vomited several times (water) and told me "Honey, I think you should get an epidural so you can rest. You're not going to have enough energy to push at the end with how slowly you are progressing."

I think I was just looking for someone to tell me it was okay to "give up" with the all-natural route. Joe didn't count (love you babe!) because he just wanted me to be healthy and happy- he didn't know that I needed to be all-natural to be a real woman. I asked for the epidural, and I could have cried at the relief it brought. Instead of crying, I immediately fell into a deep sleep. I woke up about an hour later because the nurse and my mom were trying to heave my extremely pregnant body into a different position. The baby's heart rate monitor was telling us he was having a hard time. As soon as we moved into a different position and his heart rate went up, I fell asleep again. I just couldn't keep my eyes open! A while later his heart rate dropped again. 

Our doctor gave us a little more time to stabilize before giving me two options: One, I could start Pitocin to help my labor progress. Two, we could have a c-section. I asked if JJ's heart would be able to handle the Pitocin, and our doctor said he couldn't tell me "yes" with certainty. I think he was trying to give me the choice of avoiding a c-section, as we had already discussed my all-natural plan. It was an easy decision to make. I wasn't going to risk my baby's health for the sake of my pride. I opted for a c-section and after signing some consent forms I was wheeled into the operating room.

I'd never needed so much as a single stitch in my life, so the reality that my body was going to be cut open terrified me. My whole body was trembling violently, partly due to anesthesia and partly due to fear. I tried everything to hold still: meditation, prayer, deep breaths, mentally singing songs, focusing on Joe's face, trying to imagine our baby... Nothing could stop me from shaking! I felt completely out-of-control and it made me even more frightened.

Within minutes we heard our baby's watery wail. Joe and I were both crying. He left to be by the baby's side and I was finished up and taken to the recovery room. When they brought JJ to me, I told the nurse I didn't want to hold him because I was still shaking so badly I thought I would drop him. She kindly said she would help me and kept her hands close after laying him in my arms. They administered Demerol which stopped the shaking but made me incredible drowsy. THEN I was worried I'd drop him by falling asleep! The nurse helped us latch and J ate like a champ. He was the most beautiful being I'd ever seen.

A few days later, once I'd come out of the fog of pain medication and somewhat recovered from the physical trauma, I began to feel guilt. I'd taken the easy way out. I'd given up. I'd failed. Yes, I had a healthy, precious newborn in my arms, but I didn't have that gold star that I could offer up as proof that I was a strong, capable woman. I was weak. 

I've since talked to my doctor about my rough labor and delivery. He explained to me that when they opened me up, he and the surgeon saw that I have "an unusually curved sacrum" which made it difficult for me to dilate and for JJ to progress downward. Our doctor believes that if I was able to deliver naturally, it would have been with JJ because he was pretty small. He does not recommend trying for a VBAC.

That was another blow to my ego. Never give natural birth? My loving family gave me so many reassurances that I'd done what was best for our boy. I needed to be thankful that I lived in a time when these procedures were relatively common and safe. I had a healthy baby and that's all that mattered. I heard all these things and still held on to my guilt. I was discussing my feelings with my close friend, Manda, and she asked me why it was so important to me that I have an unmedicated birth. She gently asked if it was my pride that was making me so miserable and disappointed. 

Until that time, I hadn't diagnosed the source of my sadness. I hadn't admitted to myself that I was making JJ's birth story all about me.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good..." 

All things, even the events of JJ's birth were for good. I had a birth plan for my child(ren), and it wasn't the same as the Lord's birth plan for me. 

Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding."

I don't believe it was wrong to hope for a certain way, but to bemoan the experience and the shape of my bones isn't profitable. My God who loves me blessed me with this specific story. I can finally lay aside my guilt and simply be thankful for my doctors, my family and my healthy baby.  

Psalm 63:3 "Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you."

Today is November 7th, 2013, which was my due date with our first baby, Emmanuel. I was blessed with the opportunity to talk through my mixed up feelings with a couple of my dear friends today and it helped me feel less guilty about my confusion.

I'm sad and I'm happy. I miss our angel baby very much. It hurts that I never felt him kick or push up on my ribs or roll around. My heart breaks when I think that we could have had our first son in our arms today.

I'm happy because if the Lord hadn't taken Emmanuel, I wouldn't be carrying our precious Joseph Jay right now. When Joe put his face against my belly last night, it wouldn't have been J.J. who spontaneously punched his cheek. I'm happy that I never need to worry about Emmanuel being hurt or lost or sick or sad. He's spending eternity with our Savior, which is what Joe and I want for all the children we may be blessed with.

I know that if my first pregnancy had continued, I wouldn't even be aware of this second miracle, but I love both my boys so much. I'm sad and I'm happy, and I can praise the Lord because I know He is demonstrating His perfect will in our lives.

Quite a bit has changed since my last blog post. We still think of our sweet baby and we are still thankful for the role he played in our lives, even for a short time. Joe successfully completed his first half-marathon and I am so proud of him! Hopefully we can do one together someday.

After losing our surprise baby, we realized that we were more ready to have one than we thought. The idea of having a tiny human around stuck with us, and on May 17th I found out I was pregnant again. This initial experience was very different than our first. There were a lot more tears and more prayer. I struggled with trusting the Lord with our second pregnancy. Until I passed the point that I had miscarried Emmanuel, I didn't feel attachment to the baby. I stopped drinking alcohol, cut back on caffeine and ate healthier, but other than that I didn't behave like I had with my first pregnancy. I didn't daydream or plan or really dwell on the baby very much at all. Until I passed the 3-month mark, I felt like I was just waiting for something bad to happen. My husband encouraged me by reminding me that this baby belonged to the Lord and that He loves us and does everything for our good.

We told our friends and family later in the pregnancy and with less fanfare than the first. Of course everyone was thrilled and we welcomed all the prayers that came our way.

I was sick for most of the first trimester and I slept ALL the time. Joe would get home from work and I was passed out on the couch almost every day. It was slightly reassuring to have these symptoms, but mostly I was praying that they wouldn't last the whole pregnancy. The day I started my second trimester the sickness disappeared and I felt great! Slowly but surely I grew in love for the little life inside me. Hearing the heartbeat for the first time, finding out that he is a BOY and feeling his kicks and punches grow stronger and stronger have changed me for good!

As I type this I am 27 weeks and 5 days along. I can't believe how fast and how slow this pregnancy has gone! I feel like I've been pregnant forever and I can't wait to meet him, but I can't believe it's been 7 months already!

Through God's providence, Joe was offered a job in Fresno and he took it. We were stunned by the opportunity to move back home! I was ecstatic thinking about having our baby with family close. I made sure Joe wasn't just doing it for me and that it was a change he wanted. We miss our Tehachapeople like crazy but we are adjusting to life in our hometown.

God's hand in our circumstances and experiences is obvious when looking back on this past year and a half. He's tested us, blessed us and grown us in love for each other and for Him. We are eager to see what He does in this new chapter (parenthood!).

They say "no news is good news" to which I say "True and false."

After my last post, Joe and I were faithful to training. We did a couple long runs in Fresno and Tehachapi, and it definitely made me appreciate the low elevation and mild winter of Fresno. Exercising was good, we were looking forward to the half with nervousness and excitement.

On March 5th, I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. Say what!? All it takes is once, like every health teacher warned. After the initial shock of realizing that we would be responsible for another little life wore off, I was ecstatic. I found out while Joe was at work, so I rushed to buy a cute onesie (it said 'Property of Mom and Dad') and a baby book (Guess How Much I Love You?). I wrapped them and gave the gift to Joe when he got home. He was immediately suspicious because of my weird smile and the fact that I never, ever get him gifts "just because". After his glazed expression cleared, he was all smiles. I must say, even though we were happy, we both felt like it was unreal for a few days. 

Gradually we started talking about the baby like he was a real person growing inside me, and I would say things like, "Cookie dough ice cream, please! ....the baby wants it!" For some reason we both felt strongly that it was a boy. Maybe wishful thinking? At this point, only my sister and one of his close friends knew that we were pregnant. I was on the phone with my sister when I took the test and sent her a picture of it, and she was the one to tell me "MOLLY, even though it's faint, that second line means you're pregnant!". I really didn't want to tell our parents the good news over the phone, especially since it was our first baby and his parents' first grandbaby. We made up a lame excuse for going to Fresno, even though we were JUST there the weekend prior. Joe brought home blank onesies and fabric markers and we decorated them to "tell" our families.

His parents were so happy! His dad couldn't contain his excitement. My mom said that she knew I was pregnant the second she opened the door to welcome us in. We went out to lunch with both sets to celebrate. :)

I stopped training because while exercise is good, my doctor preferred that I didn't increase in difficulty and endurance while pregnant. I missed long runs with Joe, but I was proud of him for continuing to work hard.

On March 17th I began to experience some discomfort, which progressed to pain, and that night I miscarried our precious babe. Joe and I were devastated. I think the worst part for me was seeing my husband break down. I didn't realize he was so attached to this little bean-sized alien baby that we couldn't touch or see yet.

At first, when we told people what had happened (who knew we were pregnant) I felt a little foolish for being so sad. We never heard its heartbeat or saw it on an ultrasound. Why were we taking this so hard? It took some very loving people to point out that even though our little one was in the beginning stages of development, it still has a soul. 

I was put on bed rest for one week after the miscarriage, which was a blessing for spiritual and physical healing. We were heartbroken, but thankfully able to see God through it all. Our Bible study put their arms around us in sweet ways, including flowers, cards, dinner and visits. My mom and sister and little niece visited and cleaned my house for me and loved on me. I was able to connect with others who had also experienced miscarriage, including one of my dear friends who miscarried the same weekend. Joe was so tender and thoughtful in taking care of me, and I think this was the first tragedy that we have suffered through together. We are closer for it. We take comfort in knowing that our child will be with Jesus forever.

Like I said earlier, we both felt it was a boy. Joe did some research and suggested we name him. Emmanuel is the name we decided on. God is with us.

As my wise husband said, it would take a little while for my body to remember that it likes running. Thankfully I was able to run 3 miles this morning, though not without difficulty. My end time was right around 33 minutes, so an 11-minute mile average...not bad. I'm thankful I haven't been experiencing shin splints again, although I have a feeling they will come when we start doing our long runs over the weekends. 

Something AWESOME that I've been anticipating finally happened: I got headphones! They are bright orange, of course. (I have orange and gray running shoes and an orange and white iPhone case. I think I'm obsessed.) I had the ear buds that came with my iPod, but they would NOT stay in my ears no matter how viciously I wedged them in. Thanks to Target, I now have headphones guaranteed to stay in. And they work!

Today I listened to Queen while on the treadmill. I love Queen. It definitely distracted me from the monotony of what I was doing. Running on a treadmill is SO BORING. You may ask why I don't run outside. 

Um, that's why. Sleet, snow and wind? Not for this girl. I'll take boredom over frostbite.

Something that I've been feeling guilty about health-wise is the amount of coffee I drink at work. My addiction is iced coffee with vanilla and cream. I'll have at least two grandes during my six-hour shifts, and sometimes three during my eight-hour shifts. I don't drink nearly as much water as I should. I'd like to limit my coffee intake to one per day, and not be so dependent on the caffeine for my energy. I'd also like to get in the habit of drinking a lot more water.

Well, there are my immediate goals! I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm back! Joe and I have been a pair of sickies the past couple of weeks, so the gym has been missing us. Excuses excuses, blah blah blah. We hit the treadmill Monday night, and boy was it hard. Thanksgiving eating combined with no exercise and a sickly constitution equals a HARD run. I only made it to 2.25 miles before I had to start walking. My sweet husband was very encouraging and assured me that it takes time to get back in the swing of things.

We now have a major incentive to run faithfully: we are both officially registered for the SLO half-marathon in April. This is the same one that my daddy and I punched in the face a few months ago. I still remember how impossible the last three miles felt, so I get pretty nervous when I stop to think about it. I think it will be helpful having Joe to train with. Last year I was able to do a handful of long runs with my dad in Fresno, but all the runs/exercise during the week I was on my own. And guess what? This time around it's a family affair. My dad, sister and brother-in-law will be running, and also both my mother-in-law and father-in-law! Watch out SLO, here come the Bogarts/Ramos'/Rams! We got this. 

I've been planning our meals each week and making a grocery list that way, but it's brought to my attention that Joe and I are sadly lacking in the vegetables department. Neither of us are veggie-lovers, so it's hard to keep them in mind. Any good vegetable recipes out there that disguise compliment the vegetable taste?

It's been almost two weeks since my last blog post. We bought a gym membership for me, I have been faithful so far! I'm using my half-marathon training as a fitness guide:

Weeks 1 and 2

Monday: Cross-train (elliptical, weight-lifting, etc.)
Tuesday: Short run ( 2.5 miles)
Wednesday: Rest
Thursday: Short run (2.5 miles)
Friday: Cross-train
Saturday: Long run (4 miles)
Sunday: Rest

So far I've been pretty good at obeying the schedule. I missed a cross-train day here and there, but I've been a stickler about running. Joe's been semi-faithful. He needs a little encouragement after work, but once he's done working out he feels good.

We both made goals. I'm not telling specifics, but I need to lose about fifteen pounds and Joe wants to gain about fifteen pounds. I got on the scale after two weeks of the above schedule and was horrified to see that I had GAINED 2 pounds. Why body, why?? Joe assures me it's muscle that I'm building up, and that muscle weighs more than fat, but still. It was sooo discouraging.

I have to admit, I am starting to see results. I've lost a little in the *ahem* chestal region and I can see a tiny difference in my belly. Or maybe I can just suck it in better because my muscles are getting stronger. Either way, I'll take it!

I finally have time to update, and something to update about! It took about five weeks, but my cough is finally gone! I still have some congestion, but that could just be allergies. I'm not worried about it.

You may be wondering, "Well Molly, if you're healed, why haven't you been exercising??" I'm glad you asked.

Joe with his Sorcerer Mickey hat and me with my Minnie ears.

Disneyworld!!!! My wonderful in-laws took us to Florida, along with his siblings and his extended family. One big noisy group of Mexicans traipsing around Orlando. It was glorious. The first two days were hot and humid (can you say FRIZZY), the third was just blazing hot, and the following two were beautiful.

The sad part: I got six mosquito bites.

The happy part: seeing the fireworks show in Disneyworld eating Dole whip ice cream surrounded by family.

We also went to Universal Studios which was AWESOME. I'm a roller-coaster wimp, but I mentally peer-pressured myself into biting the bullet. So much fun! The Wizarding World of Harry Potter was probably my favorite part of Universal. So cool and bittersweet.

Back to exercising: We walked a TON while we were there. However, I forgot to bring a bathing suit so I went shopping at the SuperTarget there. A humbling experience, my friends. THEN, when we got back to good ole California, I weighed myself on my parents scale. SAY WHAT!? Oh my stars. Time to get to the gym.

Tonight Joe and I visited our local gym for the first time. I jogged 2.5 miles on the treadmill, and including warm-up and cool-down I was on there for about 45 minutes. Joe lifted weights and occasionally joined me on the treadmills. He's realizing how out of shape he is (even though he's thin) so I'm hoping our combined drive will help us keep each other accountable.

Sometimes life is a roller-coaster, and you just have to throw up your hands and go with it. The week that I ran faithfully I had developed a mild cough. Nothing serious, and nothing to hinder me from running. Last week, however, the mild cough turned into a hacking, doubled-over, make-my-abs-and-my-head-hurt cough. I also developed some lovely asthmatic wheezing to go along with it. My poor husband has had to live/sleep with this cough for over a week now. I can't seem to shake it!

I definitely didn't feel like I could safely run last week. My inhaler ran out of juice long ago, and I didn't want to provoke an asthma attack by running with this smoker's cough. I finally got another inhaler this weekend, but I'm not sure what I should do. Rest and get rid of this cough? Or tough it out and start running again before I'm 100%? We'll see. I have less work ours this week, so maybe I'll do some walking and see how that goes.

On Monday, September 17th I called my eye doctor begging for a same-day appointment. My contacts supply had been running dangerously low, but I hadn't had a day off of work in quite some time. I finally had Monday off, and they had an opening at 11:15am. I booked it to Fresno and went to my eye appointment. Lo and behold, my sister went into labor that same day (in Fresno) and had her baby that evening! Lindsay had wanted me to be in the room for her second childbirth experience. Since I got my job, we had both been stressing about what I would do when the baby came. If it happened during the day, would I be working? If it happened at night and I worked the next day, would I be able to find someone to cover my shift? Would I get to Fresno in time? How would I get there? (Mind you, Joe and I only had one car up until two weeks ago) What providence that the baby was born that day!

Unfortunately for me, labor went so quickly that Lindsay delivered the beautiful baby girl while my mom and I were checking in to the maternity ward for our back-stage passes. Even though I didn't make it into the room for the birth, I was able to see her and hold her when she was only a couple hours old. Both mom and baby were amazing and healthy!

God worked it out so perfectly. Joe and I bought a car. I was already in Fresno for an eye appointment. I didn't have work till later in the day on Tuesday. I still can't get over how everything worked out! He provides for our needs!

Emma Psalm Bogart

Success! This is the third morning in a row that I have run 2.2 miles. My thighs and lower back are sore, but it's the good kind of sore. The "hurts so good" kind. I found a new route with less dogs and more shade, so I'm pretty stoked about that. The only encounter I've had with a dog was with one on a leash. The owner (a 12 or 13-year-old boy) stopped, pulled in a tight rein, and made the dog sit while I passed by. Color me impressed, Junior!

I'll be honest, this morning I did NOT want to run at all. I was snuggled up on the couch scrolling through Pinterest, and finally sent my sweet babboo a text: "Ugh...I don't wanna!" His reply: "You'll feel better afterward!" After some playful banter, including some whiny quotes from Up, he convinced me to get out. Let me tell you, I do feel better. I'm not content with my body right now, and every step I take on the pavement is a step towards the size I'd like to be. Even though it's only been a week and a half of exercise, I feel encouraged and empowered.

Speaking of encouragement, I find myself praying a lot during my runs! Mostly "God help me get up this hill" but I also thank him for the level of physical fitness I do have. Some people simply can't exert themselves, either because of medical problems or psychological mill stones. I am able and willing right now, and that's something to be thankful for!

Work is going well, and I do believe I'm starting to make friends with my coworkers. I still need practice making drinks, so I pray that I have the opportunity during a slower shift. A few new people were hired and even though I'm still a newbie myself, I can tell the strain it puts on the veteran baristas! I'm sorry I was such a burden in the beginning, but the fact that I am still new also makes me more patient with the trainees.

Our home is slowly coming together. We still need furniture pieces for empty spaces in our house (right now we're using the box our microwave came in as a nightstand) but that will come with time and garage sale scouting. We will be home this weekend, so hopefully we can get some of that done.

Every now and then it hits me how blessed I am to have such a beautiful home and such a beautiful marriage. I love my husband, and I'm thankful God has given me contentment living here!

Well blog world, I lied to you. I'm sorry! I didn't go running the next day like I promised, but I did do a water aerobics class on Saturday so I consider as a make-up session. I did go running this morning. I couldn't believe how winded I was for how short of a distance I ran! So sad. But that is also motivation. I want to get back to being able to run four miles no problem. It was a beautiful morning for a run, overcast and cool. 

The only think that worries me about running around here is the fact that Tehachapians seem to think at least two dogs is a necessity. And that keeping them behind fences is not a necessity. A medium-size dog ran up to me barking when I ran by it's house, so I stopped and faced it sternly. I wasn't afraid because it wasn't a large dog, but medium-sized dogs have teeth too! One evening I saw an older lady walking with a big stick in her hand. Maybe I'll become that lady haha.

If you are wondering about that water aerobics class, it was a lot of fun! Not a very strenuous workout, but fun to be in the water. I took it at Glen Ivy Hot Springs in Corona, CA with my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, grandmother-in-law, and aunt-in-law. It was kind of like an adult water park. So many pools and places to lay out! We went in the mineral baths, did water aerobics, took a mud bath (pics will be put up soon), and had a moisturizing treatment. My skin felt soft by the end of the day, but I felt so tired! It's ironic, going there to relax and leaving exhausted. It was a very interesting experience and I loved being with my in-laws, but I'm not sure how people can go all the time!

Speaking of exhausted...I work 31 hours this week. Now, I know most people work 40 hours a week, and there are people who work 40 hours at a much more labor-intensive job, but 31 hours seems like too much to me. When I signed up for a part-time job, I didn't expect to have a just-under-full-time job. I am grateful for the income that I can bring to our family, but I'm wondering if this is the new weekly schedule for me. After standing for seven hours, I feel so spent when I get home. I'm finding that the trick is to do housework before I go to work. Yesterday morning I scrubbed toilets and this morning I'm doing laundry. Now when I get home I can cook dinner and not worry about the house.'

Does anyone have any helpful work/home routines? I'd be curious to hear if there is a good system I can implement.

Good morning! As you can see, it's been a while since my last post. Maybe I've been avoiding you because I fell off the exercise bandwagon. And by maybe, I mean I've definitely been avoiding you. 

To be completely honest, I've lost motivation. In Fresno, I was working out for my wedding dress. In SLO, I would see literally dozens and dozens of other people running and exercising EVERY DAY. (It's hard not to feel motivated when you're in a beautiful city and being reminded every morning and evening during your commute that you should exercise.) Here in Tehachapi, it seems like almost no one works out and everyone goes to McDonalds. My own husband isn't much of a help. He is naturally thin and eats tons of junk. (Love you babe!)

So here I am...it's been almost a month without running. Last week Joe and I did go for after-dinner walks almost every night, so that was a little time of physical activity. I need to get going again. It's starting to cool down in the evenings and mornings here, so that will be nice. Okay! Commitment time: I'm going to run tomorrow morning (I have work in a bit today) and run three times next week. How far? Not sure. I'm just going to go. Break!

The Rams are completely moved out of the temporary apartment and moved in to our "permanent" home! It's such a relief to be unpacking. I used an actual glass (not a classy red Solo cup) for my iced coffee this morning, and a real fork and knife at lunch. It's nice to not have to worry about your knife snapping in half when cutting a particularly tough portion of food. Ah, the simple joys of life!

I completed week 2 of my new job.

Can you guess where I work?

I think my store is a little unique because it is such a small town. My training hasn't been what I expected, but I've been having so much fun! I get a little frazzled when I am taking orders from customers, but once I can memorize the buttons on the register I know I'll be okay. My coworkers have been very patient with me, and a few have warmed up to me rather quickly! I'm so thankful for something that gets me out of the house and interacting with the community a few days of the week.

The day Joe came home from Florida, I was at work. My coworker popped her head into the back room where I was training and said "Molly, your husband's here."

"Really???" I half-shrieked. My heart started pounding like it used to when we first started dating. A moment of doubt crossed my mind as I went to the front of the store. My coworker hardly knew me, let alone who my husband was. Maybe it was a mistake. Sure enough, there was my tousle-headed man candy ordering coffee for his office. Later my coworker told me, "You and your husband look so much in love." Oh my goodness, we sure are. 

All in all, God is showering us with blessings. We hit a rough patch coming to Tehachapi, but our lives are growing sweeter each day. 

As an update to my last post, I did succeed in running six days in two weeks. I took a break this week because of an infection, but hope to be "up and running" next week!


As some of you may know, there has been a TON of drama surrounding our apartment situation here in Tehachapi. We finally signed a year lease on a newer, nicer apartment in a safer neighborhood, so we were through the roof about that! I went today to clean it before we moved in, and horror of horrors: SPIDERS EVERYWHERE. Oh my goodness, what the heck. I was alone, and therefore screamed at every new crawling revelation. I used about a half a can of bug spray on anything and everything that looked like a bug. The concentration seemed to be in our kitchen. Once I sprayed nearly every surface, I climbed onto the kitchen counter to start cleaning above the cupboards. Hello, mouse droppings. I looked up... and nearly fell off the counter. A dead mouse stuck in the air vent in the kitchen.


I completely fell apart. I can't do this. I already thought I was being brave by killing the spiders. But a dead mouse? I'm out.


I cried on the way back to our current apartment. Not because I was so terrified by the critters, but because that was my plan for the day. Clean the apartment. Normally cleaning isn't so important to me, but I had designated that as my distraction. I haven't seen Joe since Saturday. He's in Florida on a business trip and will be home tomorrow. One of my best friends, Amanda, came and stayed with my for a couple days and she was a wonderful distraction! Of course, she had to return to her life eventually.

Strange as it sounds, I depended on cleaning the apartment as a way to get through the day. If I succeeded and achieved my goal, I knew I would be okay. Since I failed, despair set in. Joe and I haven't been apart like this since we've been married. It's not even that he's out of town- he is across the country. Not only have we not seen each other, we haven't really been able to talk either. A two-minute phone conversation here, a five-minute text conversation there.


I know this post probably sounds like the crazy rantings of a clingy wife, and it probably is. I just miss my husband! I didn't marry him to be alone in TEHACHAPI.


After having a nice little pity-party, I read one of my favorite blogs: Pray for Ian. This blog always has a knack for putting my life into perspective and pointing me towards Christ. I realized that I was putting my faith and my comfort and my hope in myself and my tasks. Because I failed at my tasks, I became comfortless and hopeless. Instead of asking God to surround me with His joy and peace and comfort, I pursued my own strength. No wonder I'm miserable, right? Only my Savior can restore my soul and drive away the deepest loneliness.

"Good morning Starshine! The earth says 'Hello!'" That's how I feel this morning. Cheerful and slightly awkward. I just got back from a 2-mile run and had a couple interactions that were interesting:

1.) Got honked at by a strange vehicle. Not sure if it was a "Yay, good for you!" honk or an "I'd kidnap you if I could!" honk.

2.) Got crowed at. Literally. By a large rooster. Nice rooster...just stay on your side of the fence and we can be friends.

3.)  A middle-aged construction worker told me "Yer lookin' pretty today." I'm wearing a baggy church t-shirt and shorts. Again, not sure if that was a kind word or a creepy word. I feel like he could be genuinely nice because it's a small town and maybe people talk like that here?

Anyway, this was the second run I've been on in the last two weeks. The first run didn't go so well. I think I had high expectations for myself, since I'd been able to run longer distances in hilly SLO. By the 1.5 mile mark, I was huffing and puffing and cursing myself for falling out of shape. I walked the last .5 mile, pretty discouraged.

My husband comforted me by telling me the elevation change probably impacted my breathing more than I realized. According to Wikipedia, the elevation in San Luis Obispo is 234 ft. and the elevation in Tehachapi is 3,970 ft. Okay, maybe it's not ALL due to the fact that I haven't run in weeks.

Today, I didn't put as much pressure on myself. Slow and steady wins the race. I decided not to try to improve my time, but instead decided to do whatever it takes to not stop running. Praise God, I didn't stop running till I got home. Hopefully the more I run, the better my body will adjust to the mountain air. My goal is to run 2 miles at least three times a week, hopefully four. C'mon self-control, we can do this!

As I write this, I am avoiding the dishes in the sink and the clothes all over our bedroom floor. I thought I would write a little update on our mountain life situation. It has certainly been a wild ride!


Four days before our big move, we got a call from our Tehachapi renter saying that the apartment we had decided on was filled with mold, and we would have to find someplace else while it was being renovated. Um, ok. Thanks for the heads up! Needless to say, all of Thursday afternoon and evening was filled with online research and phone calls to apartment complexes begging for shelter. I made an appointment with one apartment manager for the next day, and my mom and sister kindly offered to come along and help me check it out. Joe was not able to come, as he had his big senior project presentation in the morning and a final in the afternoon.


Thank God I had my mom and sister. They are way more bold and experienced than I am, so they basically asked all the money questions and voiced their opinions. The apartment manager was willing to work with us so that we could move in the following Monday, granted that our credit report checked out and that I could provide them proof of Joe's income. Long story short, I picked up a printed declaration of employment from Joe's Tehachapi employer and turned it in. Because the manager's supervisor was not in that day, we would have to wait till Monday morning to hear the final word.

Monday morning. The morning that we are supposed to be on the road hauling our whole lives with us to our new town. It was definitely a discouraging time. Why would God provide a place for Joe to work but not a place for us to live? We just had to pray and be patient. That weekend was sheer stress. Both our families were in SLO to see Joe graduate, and we did the rest of the packing and loading into the moving truck. My parents were packing/moving superstars!


Monday morning rolled around, and we had decided just to go, even though there was no guarantee all our stuff would have a home. We had to get to Tehachapi anyway, and Monday was the only day we had extra hands to help move (my parents). On the way there, the apartment manager called Joe and said that the printed proof of income was not enough, because he hadn't started working yet. So we would have to pay the security deposit, first month's rent and last month's rent. Okay, we understand. Unfortunately, we don't have immediate access to $2,100 in a town with no Bank of America, Wells Fargo, or a credit union. Thanks to my parents, we were able to scrape together enough money to satisfy the manager for a while, and we go the okay to move in.


We got all our furniture and boxes into the apartment, and then bid adieu to my wonderful mom and dad.


Well, no electricity. No gas either, which means no hot water and a stove that we couldn't use. Joe made some calls to the appropriate companies, and we spent the first night in a hotel with Burger King and a bottle of wine.


After twenty-four hours we got electricity, but it wouldn't be for another week that we would get the gas turned on. I tried taking ONE cold shower, but it probably sounded like I was hyperventilating with all the ruckus I made. After that I swore off bathing. Aside from not being able to cook without a microwave or bathe, that week really wasn't that bad. We slept in, went to a Dodger game with Dad, and got to know the town a little.


For now we are living in this apartment month-to-month, and hopefully by the end of July we will be in a more permanent apartment.


All I can say is, God did put a roof over our heads, and He knows what He's doing!

Well, I fell off the wagon again. Do I feel guilty? Not really. Joe and I have been cramming time in with friends and coast activities the past two weeks, trying to soak up as much San Luis Obispo as possible before we head out. I've also been working in overdrive trying to tie up loose ends before my last day at work (which was yesterday).

It doesn't feel real yet. When we moved here to SLO last summer, I knew what I was getting in to I knew we'd be here for a year while Joe was in school, that I would work a full-time job, and that we would be attending an awesome church. This next chapter of our life holds many more unknowns. There are a lot more cliffhangers this time around.

1.) I don't have a job. I'm 22 years old. I've always had school or work to do. Sure, there were summers that I didn't work or didn't have summer school, but it's been a few years since I've really had time off. I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself, and that's a little scary. I don't want to be the lazy housewife who sleeps in, watches soap operas, and wears sweats all day. I want to be productive and useful. How does one be useful without a job, children, or even a church to volunteer for? That's something I am praying through and trying to figure out. We move in a week, so I guess I'll find out soon enough!

2.) We aren't acquainted with any churches in the area. We have had a few suggestions (which we are grateful for) and will be investigating our options, but this is the first time that we as a couple don't know who our earthly shepherd is. One of Joe's closest friends counselled him not to look for a church with the expectation of being served and wowed, but with the intention of serving and encouraging that congregation. Our pastor's wife advised us to attend a church more than once in order to fully understand and absorb their theology and doctrine. (This was good advice for me. I think I would have gone once, and if the church didn't meet my "standards" I would have never given it a second thought.)

3.) We don't know how Joe's job will be. He'll be working 4 ten-hour days, instead of 5 eight-hour days. He was warned that overtime is to be expected, so he may end up working 5 ten-hour days most weeks. Joe has worked full-time over summers, but not over-time. He is super excited and thankful for a job in the field that he is interested in (aerospace). I'm a little concerned about him being burned out by the end of the week, but I know the Lord will sustain him. (This is another reason why I want to find some kind of work soon. I don't want to be unproductive while my husband is bending over backwards to provide for us.)

4.) Because we don't know how he will like his job, our living situation is tentative. We have a six-month lease on a two-bedroom apartment, and after the six months we can choose to pay month-to-month (a huge blessing). If he likes his job and we feel that God is intending us to stay in Tehachapi long-term, then we want to save up and buy a home as soon as possible. If he doesn't like his job, then we'd like to look for a house to rent for a couple years while he gains some work experience. Basically, we know we will be in that apartment for six months, but beyond that we have absolutely no idea.

A snapshot of our new apartment in the winter. I don't know how I will survive the snow!

5.) God is still reconciling me to the idea that we won't live close to family. Granted, we are still in California, and Tehachapi is only two and a half hours away from our hometown. I find myself feeling anxious about when it comes time for us to have kids. I still can't imagine not being able to drop off little Joseph Jr. at my parents so that Joe and I can have a date night. Or spontaneously having a playdate with his cousins. I think this time in San Luis Obispo has made me more open to being without my family when it's just me and Joe, but I'm still resisting a future where our babies will be without family.

I think the fact that I am uncomfortable with all these unknowns tells me how much I want to be in control of my own life, and how I'd like to think I know what's best for me and our future kids. At the end of the day, my Savior knows what's best, and He is working all things for good to those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

Okay my chickadees, gather round. Have you ever started a great workout routine/diet, saw great results, accomplished your goal, and then fell flat on your face? I'm here to tell you, you're not alone. I didn't exercise for a month after the half-marathon. Not one jog, work-out video, hike, walk - nothing.


For 3 weeks, I was limping off and on. I think running 13 miles without adequate arch support really messed up my bones/ligaments/muscles/whatever. I still feel it in the soles of my feet when I get out of bed in the morning. There is no excuse for the last week and a half. I was just being lazy and apathetic.


Unfortunately, my body knew I was being lazy and apathetic, and I am reverting back to my blob-like shape. Yesterday I looked at my fitness board on Pinterest and became re-inspired. Also I was noticing how my jeans were fitting tighter again! The past few days I have been making Jillian Micheals 30 Day Shred part of my daily routine. My shoulders and inner thighs are pretty sore! She works the upper arms a lot, which is probably the weakest part of my body.


It's only a few days, and already I feel better. I know it's mostly psychological, but there is something to be said about knowing you are working towards a healthy body.


As some of you may know, Joe and I are moving to Tehachapi, CA. Seriously, who does that. Oh, we do! The husband landed an awesome job there, so we are mountain-bound. I've looked online for a month and a half, and there is not a job in sight for me. Mostly ads for truck drivers and AC repairmen. Also prison guards and borax miners. Not exactly my forte.


It looks like I am going to be stay-at-home wife for a while, until I can do some networking and see what kind of work is out there. I told my mom that I will either get really fit or really fat during this full-time homesteading. Right now my goal is to do the Jillian Michaels every morning, and go for a run every other day. That will probably dissolve during our moving chaos, but I'd really rather get fit once we're there. I will honestly have ZERO excuses. We shall see! 

One month after the half-marathon and I am only just finding time to write about it! As I said in my previous post, Our time was 2:30:16. My dad's half-marathon time from the race in November was about 1:55. (How embarrassing. I felt so bad for holding him back! Of course he's a sweetheart and said he just wanted to spend time with his favorite daughter. Sorry Lindsay, the truth hurts.)


I was thrilled with my time. Probably because I would have been thrilled to finish, let alone beat my goal. My goal was to beat my sister's November time, which was about 2:45. :) Can you tell there's a little sibling rivalry?


Anyway, back to the race. I was so nervous the night before. Joe and I have been married for about ten months now, and I don't think he's ever seen me so anxious. I was bouncing off the walls in a bad way. Usually a cuddle or a kiss from him calms me down, but at that time I wanted to scream "I'm freaking out! Don't touch me!" (Sorry, Joe!)
Reason 1: I found out that night that my race packet (by mistake) didn't include a time chip. Would they still let me race??
Reason 2: Long story short, Dad had registered us for the full marathon because the half was full. He was told by the event organizer that this was ok, and we would just have to tell the information table that morning we were only running the half. Still, that's worrisome!
Reason 3: I HAD NEVER RUN 13 MILES BEFORE. Me, the mile-hater, was about to voluntarily run 13!? What the heck was I thinking?


Needless to say, it took me a while to fall asleep that night. My alarm went off at 5am, and I rolled out of bed tired and scared. I made myself an egg and toast for breakfast and tried to drink as much water (not easy with a nervous stomach) as possible. It was dark and cold outside, which just added to my anxiety.


I jogged the mile distance from our apartment to the starting line. I was nervous, but felt better when I saw my dad waiting for me. We went to the information table and told them our plight, and also told them about my missing time chip. They gave me a replacement, thank the Lord!


We stretched, warmed up, and waited to be called. Once the time approached, we shuffled into the waiting crowd to start running. My heart was pounding with fear and excitement. I couldn't believe I was running for fun!


We started at an easy pace and pretty much kept it the entire run. SLO is very hilly, and there were a few hills that I didn't expect. One seemed to last forever, but that made running back down it that much sweeter. We only stopped for water, and once towards the end to use the restroom. It was a beautiful, overcast day. Perfectly cool for a long run. We ran through downtown SLO (eerie in the morning, very still and quiet), through the countryside, and through some beautiful neighborhoods.


Right around mile five, I thought to myself "Uh... Molly, what were you thinking?? I can't do this!". Thankfully, that was right around the time my husband had found a place to cheer us on. He jogged beside us for a few paces, asking how I was doing and encouraging me like crazy. :) (I told you he was the best!)


The rest of the time sort of melts together. It seemed like much longer than 2 and 1/2 hours, but it also went by quickly, if that makes sense? We were cheered on during the final stretch by my mom, my sister and brother-in-law and little niece, and my husband. It was a great feeling to be done, and to know that I had done it!


I would definitely consider doing another one, but not for a while! :)

Honestly, I just wanted to make a post dedicated to my husband (this may be the first of many in). He's been my No. 1 fan and cheerleader during this whole fitness adventure.

My desire to work out is like the tide: one minute I am all in, and the next I am running away (to lay on the couch). Joe's encouragement, however, is constant. He was always supporting me and telling me that I can do it. I despaired of ever running again when I got shin splints a couple months ago, and he held me up and pushed me along.

Side note: His encouragement also includes discouragement of unhealthy things. Last night at Food4Less, he flat out told me "No." when I wanted to buy cookie-dough ice cream (my fave!).

I pouted. He is immune to pouting.

He is an amazing husband. I'm so thankful God chose me to be his wife!